Caught In The Poontan

Mrs Blodwen comes home after a shopping trip,
and she's horrified to see her husband
"doing it" with a young woman.

She's about to crash out of the house,
when Mr Blodwen says;
"But I can explain, love! As I was driving home
I saw this poor tired-looking creature standing
by the road, so I offered her a lift.
She said she was hungry, so I brought her home
and fed her some of your leftover stew.
Her shoes were full of holes, so I gave her an
old pair of yours you never wear, cos they're
old-fashioned.
She was freezin', so I gave her that jumper you
had for your birthday, the one you never wear,
cos you say the colour doesn't suit you.
Her jeans were all in tatters, so I gave her
a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore.

Then, just as she was about to leave our house,
she stopped and asked me;
"Is there anythin' else your wife no longer uses?"

A Rhondda man returns from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor,
and is immediately rushed to the hospital,
to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests
in a private room at the hospital,
and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor.
We've had the results back from your tests
and we've found you have an extremely nasty
virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Bloody Hell," cries the man.
He's in a panic now.
"What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet
of pizzas, pancakes, and Welsh cakes."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ...
it's the only food we can get under the door."





**********************************************

THE HECKLER

An old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting,
heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.

Finally the mayor could stand it no longer,
so he pointed to the heckler and said,
"will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience
what he has ever done for the good of the Rhondda."

"Well Mayor," the man said in a firm voice.
"I voted against you at the last election."




**********************************************

Athletic pensioners ... !

Dai, in Treherbert, was taking a trip down memory lane.
Sitting with his wife in a cafe, the little old man says;
"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago?
We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the carpet shop,
and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, Dai fach, I remember it well !
replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again...
and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe.
A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation
and smiles to himself, thinking it would be amusing
to see two old pensioners at it.
He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, there are the two pensioners
behind the carpet shop. The little old lady
pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

Dai pulls down his trousers and grabs the lady's hips,
and the little old lady reaches for the fence.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most
athletic sex the young man has ever seen.
Dai is banging away at his missus
at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal.
Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur,
and they don't stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the youngster is stunned.
Never in his life has he ever seen
anything that equals this - not in films,
not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says
to himself; "I have to know his secret.
If only I could perform like that now,
let alone in 50 years' time!"

Dai and his Missus have by this time
recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the old couple.

He says, "Butt, in all my life I have never seen
anybody do it like that, particularly at your age.
What's your secret? Could you perform like that 50 years ago?"

Dai replies; "Son, 50 years ago, that
f**king fence wasn't electrified."

* * *




Brilliant. We have a huge council house in our street:

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman
with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured,
and doesn't even have a number plate,
but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for
upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the
murder of his son and his son's girlfriend,
but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except
the youngest, who everyone once thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army
but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers.
They are out of control...
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle.

( Sent by Denis Scott ! )




* * *

SO.... YOU'RE A SINGER !


How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One - they just stand on a chair,
reach up and grip the bulb,
then wait for the universe to revolve around them !

PRESS THE LINK BELOW TO WATCH A REAL EXAMPLE.

GIRL SINGER IN STUDIO.....

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""






Buying Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead,
are walking down the street and pass a flower shop
where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Redhead sighed and said,
"Oh, shit, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said,
"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers,
but he always has expectations after giving me flowers,
and I just don't feel like spending the next three days
on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

World War Three


A man from Ponty walks into a bar in New York
and sees Rumsfeld Bush and Powell sitting at a table talking.
He asks the bartender "Is that who I think it is?"
The bartender says "yep its Rumsfeld, Bush, and Powell".
"What are they doing in here?" he asks.
"Planning world war III" the barman tells him.

So the Ponty man walks up to the table and asks,
"Are you really here planning world war three?"
Then Rumsfeld speaks up and says "No we are going
to kill 200,000 innocent Iraqis and a bicycle repair man."
"Why are you going to kill the bicycle repairman?" The man asks Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld turns to Bush and Powell and says;
"See - I told you no-one would care about
the death of 200,000 innocent Iraqis."

*********************************************




An old couple visited London. They left the airport and got into a taxi.
The taxi driver asked them where they were from,
so the old man said: "Wales."
The old lady, being hard of hearing, shouted
"What did he say?"
The old man replied: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM -
I SAID WE'RE FROM WALES!!!"
"What part of Wales are you from?" asked the driver.
"We are from Mountain Ash," replied the old feller.
The old lady said: "What did he say?"
so the old man replied,
"HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF WALES WE ARE FROM -
I SAID WE ARE FROM MOUNTAIN ASH."
The driver then said: "Mountain Ash!
Worst woman I ever met was in Mountain Ash.".
The old lady yelled "What did he say?"
"HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old feller replied.

*********************************************



A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on
but with a young naked woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat.
"How can you be a snail when all you've got
is that young naked woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""


At a nursing home a group of pensioners were
sitting around talking about their ailments.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift
this cup of tea," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my tea."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time,
my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can
hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going,"
said an elderly gentleman.

"I s'pose that's the price we pay for getting old,"
winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, we should count our blessings,"
said one woman cheerfully,
"at least we can all still drive."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him
- Is he still wrong?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real pain, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable.
The food is terrible. It's too hot.
It's too cold. The accommodation's awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya
all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone," the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today
and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said,
"it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone,
you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said,
"but I've sat on it."





***********************************************

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?"
she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grieving

A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man
who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly,
"Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?".

The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain,
that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand
on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him,
"Is this your wife?".

"No", replied the weeping man,
"Her first husband!"
.

________________________________



Make love not war. Unless you want to do both. If so - get married.


__________________________________

Father Of Who

A man walks into a supermarket and
notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally
the man asks "Do I know you, love?"

The woman answers "I think you're the father
of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes
this kid she is talking about must be
the result of the one and only time
he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper
that was at my best friends stag party
about 5 years ago? You know, the one I had sex
with on the pool table while your friend smacked
my bare arse with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says
"No, I'm your son's teacher".






!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport.
As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: "Occupation?"

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888




A man from Mountain Ash goes to the doctor
and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with
a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medication, the man stammers,
"Good God, what exactly is my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."





88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Children in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause children.


8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers,
decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments.
He goes to a music shop, walks in, approaches the assistant, and says,
"I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."

The assistant looks at him a bit funny, and replies
"Alright, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."




************************************************

One day, a young man about the age of 25,
was walking in Treorci park.
On one of the benches, sat an old man sobbing.

"What's wrong?" asked the young man.

"Well, it's nothing really." said the old man.

"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.

"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning,
me and my wife have wild sex.
Then I leave for work." the old man said.

"That's not bad !" the young man said.

"Well, when I get home from work,
my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her.
Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.

"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why
you should be sobbing." said the young man.

"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job.
Then I come home and by that time,
my wife has finished making supper.
Then we eat and have wild sex again
throughout the night." the old man said.

"If you're having sex all day,
then why are you so miserable?" the young man asked.

The old man finally looked up, with red-rimmed eyes, and - with his voice wobbling - said:
"I've forgotten where I live!"

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Every dog has his day......(but a good dog....has TWO.)
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
7-year-old rugby players aside and asked,
"Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"

The little boy nodded.

"Do you understand that what matters is not
whether we win or lose, but how we
play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know,
when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue,
swear, attack the referee, or call him a dick-head.
Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the pitch
so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach
"a stupid a***hole", is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there
and explain all that to your mother."

----------------------------------------------------

A Newport man, a Swansea man, and a Rhondda man walked into a pub.
Each ordered a pint of beer.
Then a fly landed in each one's beer.
The Newport man, turning slightly green,
pushed his beer away and asked for another one.
The Swansea man took the fly out,
shrugged, and drank his beer.
The Rhondda man pinched the fly
between his fingers and screamed:
"SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Mrs Jones accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called Mrs Jones into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him,
it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with Mr Jones several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year,
I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:
"What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.





"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Ceri was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

As he got up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road,
the car skidded onto some gravel
and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear,
but Ceri was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes,
the girl ran down the road and found a garage.
Still holding the shoe between her legs,
she pleaded to the garage owner,
"Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The garage owner looked at the shoe and said,
"There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




Why does sour cream have an expiry date?





+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THE CARDIFF WORKERS PRAYER


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the **** that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
AMEN!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A father asked his 10-year-old son
if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!”
the child said, bursting into tears.
“Promise me you won’t tell me!”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was six,
you told me there’s no Father Christmas.
At seven, you said there’s no Tooth Fairy.
When I was eight, you hit me with:
"There’s no Angel of Peace".
If you’re going to tell me there's no sex,
I’ll have nothing left to live for.”







!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Important Rules For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that
these four women don't know each other.







***********************************

A 3-year-old is at home alone,
and a salesman comes to the door.
The child answers with a porn video in one hand,
and a cigar and a bottle of whisky in the other.
The salesman says,
“Hello, little boy, are your parents home?”
The boy asks,
“What the **** do you think?”








!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Swansea man, a Newport man and a
Rhondda man are all in a pub.

Just as they are enjoying their beers,
the Newport man looks up and says to the others
"Bloody Hell, there's Jesus!".

So they all buy Jesus a drink.
The Swansea man buys him a Felinfoel,
the Newport man buys him a Worthy,
and the Rhondda man buys him a cider.

After, Jesus goes over to the group
to shake their hands.

He shakes the Swansea man's hand,
who shouts with relief;
"Wow, Jesus, that bad back I've had
all my life has just gone".

He shakes the Newport man's hand
and he also shouts;
"That arthritis I've had for 20 years
has just disappeared!"

Jesus goes to shake the Rhondda man's hand,
who runs off, shouting; "Sod off, butt -
I'm on the sick!"








!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A bloke walks into a pub in the Rhondda and orders a shandy.
All the men sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another English visitor.

The barman says, "You're not from 'round b'yer, are yew?"
The man says, "No, I'm from Shrewsbury."
The barman says, "What d'you do in Shrewsbury?"
The visitor says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The barman says, "A taxidermist?
What the eff is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," the visitor smiles,
"a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."
The barman smiles widely and shouts,
"It's orlright boys. He's one of us."

If You Would Like To Contribute To The Website Or Rhondda Records Then....

Simply e mail : Patannjones@AOL.com